Senseless Crime Part 3

So it's all over. My third and final act of senseless crime has finally come full circle. My court date has passed. I will tell you my sentencing later but for now here is Senseless Crime Part 3.


The Brick

It was a cool spring night. Mid April I believe. It was a Thursday. My girlfriend and my a buddy of mine went to a bar called Shiloh. On most Thursdays we'd have gone to Harpos but for whatever reason we decided on Shiloh that night. It was a pretty slow night, not many people were out.

As we sat down to drink our first bucket of Bud Light bottles we began to talk about various things, we were having a good time. After quickly downing our first bucket (mostly myself and my buddy Weebs) we ordered another. The buckets came quickly that night as the three of us became increasingly intoxicated, especially myself. After probably four or five buckets we called my fraternity's sober driver and headed back to the fraternity house.

We arrived back at the fraternity house to find some what of a party going on. It wasn't anything big but people were drinking and we decided to join them. That's when the alcohol consumption took a massive spike, thus fully equipping me to commit random/retarded acts of crime.

After a while I found myself outside smoking a cigarette with my girlfriend and an interesting subject came up. For whatever reason she decided to bring up an incident that had a occurred a few weeks ago. The incident she spoke of was about how a random fraternity had taken a few cheap shots at my fraternity during a serenade to her sorority. Confused? Basically some dudes were talking shit.

Normally, I wouldn't think twice about it. I would just shrug it off, or I'd just go vent on this website. However on this night things were different (I was shitfaced). Something inside of me (beer) demanded action. I immediately went to round up some troops to take revenge on this fraternity. We were gonna do what any respectable group of drunken frat boys seeking vigilante justice would do, throw a brick through the other fraternity's window and run like hell.

My girlfriend tried to plead with me. She told me to stay. She said (more or less):

"No, don't throw a brick through that window, let's go home and have sex instead."

"Nay woman!" I replied "This offense cannot go overlooked, the offenders must be given their just desserts."

Little did I know I was turning down sex with my girlfriend for what would turn out to be a very sexless night in jail. Although once I was in jail I was hoping that the night would be sexless. Either way, I rounded up three guys, K-Bear, Ginger, and Sk8r (I didn't know what else to call him on this site but I figured since he's kind of emo the Avril Lavine spelling of "skater" would suffice).

The four of us grabbed two bricks and the sober driver. We piled into the sober driver's two door shit hole of a Mustang and made our way over to "Frat Hill", where the offending fraternity was located. I had the driver drop us off two blocks away so that we could sneak up on the fraternity. We made our way through the neighborhood, four drunken frat boys holding two bricks (totally inconspicuous), until we were about half a block away from the fraternity house.

We then made our way up the driveway of a random house. For those not familiar with throwing-bricks-through-windows strategy, it is best to sneak up on the house in question instead of walking up to the front door. So we snuck into the backyard of some random house, all the lights were off so we assumed we were safe. The house's backyard was more or less just a driveway. There was no fence and all the adjacent houses' backyards were not only visible but accessible just by walking through them.

However where the houses stopped was where the fraternity house started. Unfortunately the fraternity house about eight feet higher than the land these houses were on. On top of this there was a five foot or so fence on top of the retaining wall that seperated the back yards from the fraternity property. There was no way four drunk idiots could scale that fence without being heard, either by the people in the fraternity or the people who lived in the other houses. We began to look for an alternate route to sneak behind the fraternity house.

We quickly found that alternate route. Behind the row of houses (as well as the fraternity house) was a graveyard. Only a small chain link fence seperated the back of the houses from the graveyard. The four of us quickly hopped the fence and were in the graveyard. This, after turning down sex, was probably the second sign that I was making a poor choice. A good general rule of thumb to have is: if you are doing something that you are pretty sure is illegal, you're drunk, and then a graveyard becomes involved, it's time to leave. I came up with that rule the next morning.

Now in the graveyard we could see the back of the fraternity house. We slowly crept towards it until we were directly behind the fraternity house in the graveyard. The small chain link fence that seperated the houses from the graveyard was now replaced with the five foot high fence that surrounded a portion of the fraternity house. The four of us knelt down and whispered our plan.

"Okay, we hop the fence, brick these motherfuckers and run". I said, cocksure.

"What? Won't people chase us?" Sk8r asked.

"Dude by the time they get outside we'll be long gone." I replied, I had all the answers that night.

"We should call Dalton and have him pick us up." K-Bear suggested.

"Yeah a get away car might be a good idea." Ginger agreed.

"If they see the car they can get the plates!" I said firmly. "We have to run."

"What if Lil D [the sober driver] parks close so that we can run to his car and then peace out." Ginger said.

"Okay, that's probably a good idea, I don't think I can run for very long actually." I agreed.

I pulled out my phone and called the driver. I told him our plan, he told us we were retarded. I told him it was the only way the plan would work. He agreed and decided to park his car in the Streetside Records parking lot about half a block away. It was about this time I could sense dissent amongst the troops. K-Bear and Sk8r were looking nervous.

I was actually surprised that K-Bear was even with us. Usually he is the most responsible person I know, always avoiding trouble. But he's also the sneakiest person I know. In retrospect he was probably just there to watch me crash and burn. K-Bear is, despite his responsible side, pure evil. He is a manipulator. He enjoys seeing others get hurt and fail. I love him. But I should have realized what was going on, damn I was drunk.

As K-Bear and Sk8r voiced their concern for my flawless plan Lil D called me. He had decided to switch locations to a parking lot across the street. I told him I didn't care as long as he was close. About two minutes later he called again. He had switched locations again to the further parking lot, it was the lot for a dorm. He was about 600 yards from where we were going to throw the bricks.

Hearing about how far away Lil D was put K-Bear and Sk8r over the top. They decided to leave. I asked them to stay but it was done. They turned around and went back from whence we came. Now it was just Ginger and I. We discussed shortly how we thought the other two were pussies and then got back to business. We hopped the fence and were now hiding behind the fraternity's shed. We stayed there for a moment. My heart was racing. We peaked out from around the shed and noticed that there were no breakable windows. Seeing this we moved around to the side of the house, in the fraternity's parking lot.

Now crouched behind a silver Jeep we laid our eyes upon a buffet of big breakable windows. We didn't take long. Neither of us wanted to linger in a random fraterniy's parking lot with two bricks. We both ran up at the same time, threw the bricks and bolted. The parking lot is terraced and as we lept off the first terrace I ate shit, hard. I broke the fall with my hands. I got up, I couldn't feel pain, my adreniline was going way to hard. I looked at my right hand, there was a huge open sore on it with dirt and asphalt in it. I didn't care I just needed to run.

I caught up to Ginger at the street and despite moderate traffic and a "Don't Walk" signal we bolted across the street. We were halfway up the first parking lot (where Lil D was supposed to be parked) when I looked behind me to see if we had any pursuers. We did. One. He was about a hundred yards behind me and running fast, really fast. I thought to myself Oh SHIT! and tried to run faster but I was about spent. I had already just sprinted about 200 yards. At the time, I was a smoker, so you can imagine. Adreniline and alcohol can only get you so far (I was dissapointed to find that out).

As we reached the top of the parking lot the pursuer reached me. He was fast as shit, like Usain Bolt's gay cousin. He pulled me to the ground, and I peeled a rather large chunk out of my left palm this time. Luckily I couldn't feel that pain either. I was out of breath, caught, and my hands were both fucked up. I was screwed. I told Ginger to keep running but he held back. He was thinking about attacking the pursuer but in the five seconds it took him to make up his mind about ten other guys from that fraternity showed up. We were caught. I thought I was going to got my as stomped.

Luckily this fraternity happened to be the gayest most pussy house on campus. Any other fraternity would have beaten me pretty handily. These guys just sat around making fun of me. One of them had brought with him, in his pursuit of us, a gigantic fence post that I am frankly surprised anyone could have run with in the first place. God these guys sucked. Then Gay Usain Bolt barked an order to one of the others.

"Call the police"

Well this'll make a hell of story I thought. Goddammit.

The police showed up after about two minutes of verbal abuse from the ten biggest tools I've ever had the pleasure of being harrassed by. The cops showed up, cuffed us, and took us to the station. My girlfriend frantically tried to call my cellphone about 100 times, not realizing that when under arrest you aren't allowed to use your phone. Clearly she had never been to jail.

The booking was pretty tame compared to my first trip to jail. I slept mostly. The cops were pretty sympathetic to our cause actually. They agreed that "People shouldn't be talking shit". One cop even said "Yeah those guys sound like fags". That made me feel at least a little better.

By the time I got to the police station, the adreniline was gone and my hands hurt like fuck. I cannot even begin to describe how horrific these wounds were. It looked like I had 2/5's of the Stigmata. An officer gave me some rubbing alcohol to rub on them before I put bandages on them. Let me tell you, nothing sobers you up like pouring rubbing alcohol into gaping hand wounds, except maybe getting arrested.

In the end we didn't even need bail. Myself and Ginger were issued tickets, TICKETS, for throwing bricks through the windows. The technical crime that was written on the ticket was as follows:

Tampering with the intent to cause extreme inconvenience

Yeah that's a crime apparently.

Lil D picked us up from the police station, we had been there for maybe two hours. As we drove back to the fraternity house we got pulled over (actually about fifty feet from the police station). When the cop asked us where we were coming from Lil D had a pretty interesting answer to give him.

When I got home my girlfriend was pissed. I didn't care though, I was high on that post-jail euphoria. There's nothing like breathing the sweet breath of freedom and laughing so that you forget about the horrible decision you just made. I drank a few more beers and then went to bed. I woke up the next morning with two rather large bloody reminders of what I had done the night before.

In the end we were forced to pay for the windows and do 15 hours of community service. Each window cost $67. Totally worth it. Also it took about a month for my hands to heal. That was a shitty month. But I didn't care, after all it was just another senseless crime.