Tales from Hollister

Basically my typical shift at Hollister consists of the following:

• I arrive to work ten minutes late
• A manager half heartedly tells me to show up on time
  
• I am then assigned to some sort of job, something along the lines of "Go there, fold this, look hot"
• I go there, avoid folding if at all possible, and look hot
• I then stand for 2-2.5 hours straight
• I go on my 15 minute break for 30 minutes
• I come back
• I again stand, possibly folding, and looking hot for 2-2.5 hours
• I leave as soon as my shift ends

Sprinkled in that list of labors may be other activities such as saying a tagline (e.g. "What's Up?"..."Have you checked out SoCal, our new fragrance?"...."We've got spring break covered so make sure you check out our boardshorts!")

If I'm lucky I'm on the cash register or fitting rooms, which means I'm close enough to the Hollister playlist to select my favorite songs. And also more likely to have someone to talk to. If I'm unlucky I'm in Betty's 1 (the front room of the store), saying the aforementioned tag lines all by myself while customers awkwardly look at me and walk by.

Generally, I'm in Betty's 1, getting awkward looks. When you say one of those tag lines, people tend to think you're retarded. They overlook the fact that I'm at work, and am being forced to say those things. Somehow they think I'm just being conversational or something. Regardless, they are pretty stupid and the awkward looks are more of a reflex than a thought out reaction. The Aborigines of Australia believe when someone takes your picture, a little bit of your soul stays in that picture. That is probably not true. However, whenever I say a Hollister tag line, I can definitely feel myself losing a little bit of my soul.

Anyway despite the fact that I know these tag lines suck to say and are lame as shit, I still get a little pissed when customers laugh at me or look at me like I'm stupid. Because like I said before, I don't really have a choice in the matter, I have to say them. Like 99% of the time I can't do anything about it. But every once in a while, you're able to fuck with a customer pretty good at Hollister. The two easiest targets are women and emo kids.

For me the women are simple. If they happened to have chuckled at me or given me a dirty look after I say a tag line, and then ask me where some item of clothing is, I have my own personal tagline.

Woman: Can you help me find this sweater?
Me: In a large?

It isn't much, but I'm pretty sure that sticks with them. How could it not? Some apathetic stranger just assumes you wear large. That's gotta hurt. Even if they do wear a large it can't be comforting for them to find out that the whole world can tell. And the best part is Hollister's sizes are in no way concurrent with normal human being clothing sizes. We sell baby clothes (I weigh 170 and often am forced to buy XL at Hollister). So when that woman goes into the dressing room to try on whatever she's trying on it's gonna feel a little tighter than it should. BAM! That'll teach you bitch. Don't scoff at me the next time I'm filling you in on Cali style.

The emo kids are far rarer, and thus, far more awesome to fuck with. Emo kids will look at you like you're an asshole regardless of what you're doing. You could be pulling an emo kid from a burning building and he'd roll his eyes. But you know when that look changes? When they very politely and very discreetly ask you one of the following questions:

Question 1:"Do you have any jeans skinnier than this?"
Question 2:"Can guys purchase girls jeans?"

My answers vary accordingly

Answer 1: (Loudly) "You can try the girls jeans, girls jeans are over there. Go ahead and take those girls jeans to the fitting room and try them on, see if they work for ya."
Answer 2: (Loudly, into walkie talkie) "What's the store policy on guys purchasing girls jeans? I have a guy with me that wants to buy girls jeans for himself."

Perhaps the best conversation I ever heard between an emo kid and a Hollister worker was between some random emo kid and my manager. He asked if Hollister had any skinnier guy's jeans than the ones that were out on the floor. The manager said no and in all seriousness suggested that the guy try on a pair of girls jeans. To which the kid responded, slightly embarrassed:

Emo Kid: "My mom said she won't pay for it if I get girls jeans"

Awesome. And kudos to the mom for trying to stop her son from participating in the most annoying and gayest aspect of the emo lifestyle.

On a side note, I have no idea why those emo kids wear girls jeans. It is not comfortable. I squeezed into a pair of my girlfriend's jeans once for a Halloween costume (my costume was an emo kid ironically) and FYI, girls jeans are girls jeans. There is not any allotted space for male genitalia. You're stuff just gets shoved off to the side under the pocket where it's stabbed by car keys and smothered by a cell phone.

Anyway, that's about all the fun one gets to have with customers at Hollister, which sucks because they definitely deserve to be fucked with more than that. See customers have the same lack of respect for a retail personnel's intelligence that they do for a restaurant worker's but without the empathy that one might have for a waiter or waitress. My guess is, at least at Hollister, they're jealous of our hotness.

Today's Stuff 7/30

Yesterday was not a good day to be an Atlanta Braves fan. Here's your shit for today. Also quick shout out to my first official reader that I know about. Willa. Hooray for Willa. If anyone else is reading this retarded blog, let me know by leaving a comment. You don't even have to say anything, just literally write one letter. Like this "n". That will be more than fine.


HELLS YES!

I may have failed to mention this earlier, but I am a huge Harry Potter fan. So this kind of softened the kick in the balls that are these next few stories.

HELLS NO!

I knew it was coming. I'm not stupid. There was no way Tex was staying with the Braves, not longer than the end of the season anyway. At least he went to the Angels, furthering the likelihood that my World Series pick will come to fruition. So hooray! I'll be sure to take solace in that when I'm sitting in front of the TV this October, alone and pantsless and crying into a beer while Mark Teixeira is dancing around with a bottle of champagne wearing Angels red.

What sucks the most is that he wanted to play in Atlanta for the rest of his career. Despite what anyone says, or mounting evidence to the contrary, he really wanted to stay in Atlanta. He played college ball at Georgia Tech and had some serious man love for Bobby Cox. He also loved the guys he played with. Who wouldn't? I'd be pretty psyched too if there were like four Hall of Famers sitting down the bench from me (Smoltz, Glavine, Chipper, Cox). But according to Braves GM Frank Wren Atlanta offered Tex a rather large contract this spring that "...would have made him one of the highest paid players in the game..." and he, or rather douche agent Scott Boras, declined. Now at the end of the year along with a big shiny ring, Tex will be getting a monster contract from a team whose name probably starts with New York. But whatever, I couldn't tell a guy not to take an extra 7 Billion dollars (exact figure) to play baseball somewhere other than Atlanta.

Anyway, maybe focusing on who Atlanta got in return will make me feel better. Let me take a look here, hmmm FUCK FUCK FUCK! No I that didn't work so well. Firstbaseman Casey Kotchman and minor league reliever Stephen "The Elephant Man" Marek. Kotchman's got potential I guess. He's got a career .337 OBP, but from the looks of it, no power. He is having a career best year in HR's this year......with 12. The Braves need more power production, right now all they have is McCann and part time services from Chipper. Frenchie is a doubles hitter who just doesn't know it or want to admit it yet. Marek was being transitioned from starter to closer (The Braves could use either). But according to MLB.com's Lisa Winston, who says the following "will it be Marek the starter or Marek the closer? Stay tuned.", he could go either way. Sweet. I'm not too satisfied with this. Can we have that catcher back we gave Texas back? Maybe just turn him into a firstbaseman. I'm gonna miss watching two sick switch hitters back to back in the lineup. This sucks. I'm gonna watch that trailer again.


In Other Braves News........FUCK!

This is getting hard to watch. Maybe they at least won last night.

Oh, wait..........FUCK!

Please be a good pitcher Stephen Marek, please.



So This is Pretty Gay

And so is this picture below. I found it while searching for a picture of Mark Teixeira and Bobby Cox. This picture is literally saved on my computer as satanfag.jpeg




This is the most infuriating thing I have ever seen. I'm about to go fucking insane. Better look at this again to calm me down, or this again. Moving on.















AIDS-b-Gone!

See Iran, we can destroy the monsters we create. And you're next. Actually I just wanted to talk about the only thing gayer than the Braves current state of affairs, and that of course is AIDS.

Today's Stuff 7/29

I don't know if I'll be able to post anything other than this today, I have a lot of work to do on this final project for my class.

Um....Gross

I once worked with a guy who, no joke, told me banging pregnant chicks was awesome because "They got all this extra goo and shit up there, it feels fucking awesome." The people of the Ozarks agree.

Ugh

This movie is going to suck huge balls. I'm not a Republican, I just know that Oliver Stone probably should have stopped after "Born on the Fourth of July", or maybe "The Doors". Regardless, this George W. Bush movie he's making is going to have about as much political relevance as, oh I don't know, the last fucking political movie he made (the smash hit World Trade Center).

Iran's Ahmadinejad Blames the West for AIDS

Yeah, we did make AIDS. To kill gay people. We thought you'd be cool with that.

Sucks to be This Guy

You're wife has popped out 18 kids? Is it still fun to fool around with her her? At this point its gotta be like having sex with the Chunnel.

Mizzou is Too Good For This List

The top 20 party schools in the country according to the Princeton Review. Mizzou however is not a part of the Princeton Review, so uh, we would be on there, if you know, we weren't to good for the Princeton Review.

Today's Stuff 7/28

I didn't really have time to really find a bunch of stuff today, but I did find these two gems.


Mizzou #5 in Rivals.com Preseason Countdown

And I quote "Not since 1969, when Missouri opened the season ranked 10th, has there been so much expectation and excitement in Columbia. That season, the Tigers finished No. 6. The potential exists for them to finish five spots higher this season. With a Heisman-contending quarterback, a big-play receiver, an experienced defense and a favorable schedule, Missouri enters the season with a legitimate shot at the national title. Mizzou never has won a national championship nor had a Heisman Trophy recipient. This season, it's not out of the question to suggest the Tigers could get both."


Yet Another Reason Why Texas is Better Than You

Thanks for Chase Daniel! Maclin however is from Missouri.

How Can a Team Play Any Worse?

The past three days the Atlanta Braves have scored 19 runs. Pretty awesome right? Fuck no because they've given up 31. Yeah 31, RUNS! By the way, this is a running total because as I write this it is only the 6th inning of their game against the Cardinals, who are leading 9-0.

This bodes very ill for me as I am surrounded by St. Louis Cardinals fans and will never hear the end of this, unless they Braves win tomorrow. I'll write more about Cardinals fans after my trip to Busch later this month to see the Braves in St. Louis, but I will say this about them now.

They are nice, very nice people. I have only once been legitimately harassed at a baseball game. It's the whole Midwestern thing. I truly believe they are the best fans in baseball. However (and this is a big however), they love to tell you about it. I mean they really really love to tell you about it. They never get mean when they brag about their team or fandom, but they never stop either. It may actually be all St. Louis cares about (especially now that a bunch of douchebag Belgians bought Anheuser-Busch). I can only rant so much about it, since I am in fact from St. Louis and can at least fake like I still like the Cardinals (I don't). If you want to really hear how bad it can get, ask someone from Kansas City, preferably someone from Kansas City who attended Mizzou. They'll have quite a bit to tell you.

Anyway, goddammit Braves, give me a fucking break.

P.S.-It doesn't help that Atlanta's lineup is pretty much dickless since McCann and Chipper are out.


****EDIT****

Atlanta has now put 2 runs on the board, however St. Louis added 3 more of their own.....sweet

Today's Stuff 7/27

This is just some random stories and what not that I found interesting................


NASA Astronaut claims Aliens exist

This guy walked on the moon. He says Aliens have been visiting the planet for some time and that the U.S. has been covering it up. He also said that they're friendly, which is good because I don't think our president is as accomplished a pilot as Bill Pullman.

Best Terrorist Attack Ever


BASESBALL POWER RANKINGS
The Angles top both lists, rightfully so, they've been my pick to win the World Series all year.

Sports Illustrated
ESPN

Baseball Stadiums are being built with less seats

Look at the chart at the beginning of the article, some of those teams slashed like 15,000 seats, that's ridiculous (except for Pittsburgh)

Long Awaited Lost Boys Sequel

Starring The O.C.'s Autumn Reeser (Taylor Townzen), and returning from the original are the Corey's Haim and Feldman



Pre vs Post Season Football Polls

This site lists all the Pre and Post season polls for college football dating back to 1993, pretty sweet

Poor Mike Hampton

Yesterday Braves pitcher Mike Hampton made his first start in about two years. If you don't know his story it's a pretty sad one. He was an alright pitcher and then out of no where set the world on fire in '99 with a 22-4 record and a sub 3 ERA, he also pitched 239 innings so he seemed to be pretty durable too. The next year he had another decent season with the Mets, 15 wins, 3.14 ERA, and again he pitched over 200 innings.

Then the Rockies signed him to a retardedly huge contract (Barry Zito style) that he didn't deserve. Then he started to, in baseball terms, suck massive balls (Barry Zito style). Most people blame it on playing in Coors Field, which is possible, but still his ERA and WHIP took a pretty big jump considering his previous years, regardless of where he played.

After Colorado had enough of watching him shit all over their payroll they traded him to Atlanta (although he still shit all over their payroll for a couple more years, since Scheurholtz got the Rox to pay a considerable portion of his salary, they just didn't have to watch him do it).

He had a decent first two seasons in Atlanta, then something happened. I think he pissed off a gypsy, because that is the only way someone could have as much bad luck as him. He got hurt, got Tommy John surgery, sat out a year, then got hurt again, missed another year, then got hurt again and missed almost half of this year, all he while having one of the top 5 salaries on Atlanta's payroll.

And then, this happened yesterday..........

IP H R ER BB SO HR
4.0 8 6 6 2 1 0



Not a very good line. What the line doesn't show is that all those runs he let up helped blow a 6 FUCKING RUN LEAD, the Braves scored 9 runs in one inning, and then Hampton helped the Phillies get back in the game by letting up 6, Cox took him out before things got worse but thankfully the Atlanta bullpen was there to seal the deal and let up a few more runs so that the Phillies could make it to 10 and beat Atlanta 10-9......10-9, Atlanta couldn't score one single run in any other inning of that game.

But hey that's how Braves have liked to roll lately, can't blame 'em really. But you can feel bad for poor old Hampton. He finally comes back, this is his big break. Then Atlanta puts a 9 spot up for him, to give him all the help he needs. It's as if they said...

"Hey Mikey, here's 9 runs for ya, go out there, throw five and don't pitch like a complete asshole because with a 6 run lead a team would have to be retarded to lose this game"

But then Mike Hampton's thoughts went back to that cold winter night that he hit a gypsy with his car and his mind began to fog, his arm flailing about, hurling the ball right over the middle of the plate, a strange language began to fill his head, he knew the gypsy's black magic was again at work, and although the curse had given him a slim sexy body, it had ruined his muscles and stolen from him his ability to competently pitch a major league baseball game.

Do not fuck with gypsies.

About this.....

So I started this out of boredom, and I don't plan on taking this too seriously, hence the name "None of this is Important" (I actually tried the name 'None of this Matters' but some douchebag already took that name).

I do plan on posting something everyday, for my own amusement and hopefully at some point for people who read this.

The content will revolve around my interests which mainly include the Atlanta Braves, movies, television, Mizzou football, my job, Greek Life at Mizzou, and random stories I have to tell.

I will also try to post things on this blog that I happen to find interesting (news stories, funny links, etc.) just to try and keep things interesting.

Now a little about myself................

As it says on the sidebar I am a senior at the University of Missouri

I really really really love the Atlanta Braves, I'd go gay for Chipper Jones, while my grandparents watched, I love them that much

I am in a fraternity

Recently (as in the last year) Mizzou football has become an obsession of mine (call me a fair weather fan if you want, I don't really give a shit, Mizzou sports are full of nothing but heartbreak and mind boggling disappointment so sometimes its better to keep them at an arm's length.....I'm already freaking out about this season)

I like parentheses

My dream job is to have my own television show

I like TV shows better than movies (but I still love movies)

I firmly believe reality TV makes people retarded, and if anyone tells you their favorite show is a reality show, they most likely are retarded

I am a big fan of Laguna Beach, Little People Big World, Deadliest Catch, Man vs. Wild, and Two a Days

I work at Hollister (and probably just lost half my readership)

If I got a pet today, it would be a cat (probably convinced the other half I'm gay)

I am usually broke

So that's it about me, I hope you read and enjoy this blog, I will try to update it often, hopefully this will be fun and people will read it