Senseless Crime Part 1

I had a court case yesterday, for what I won't say. But in light of my recent legal troubles I thought I would reflect on some of my past, similar legal troubles.

Spring 2005

I was 19, naive, but no stranger to the alluring world of crime. I had just gotten a fake ID two days before. The rush from buying alcohol illegally was as intoxicating as the booze itself. I was home for spring break and ready to hang out with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I stopped by my neighborhood Schnucks to pick up a 12 pack. I made my way to the alcohol section, confident yet inconspicuous. I stopped at a rack of Cheez-Its, faking interest to appear like a casual shopper. I then strode over to alcohol aisle. I browsed the different liquors and wines. To show any suspicious employees watching me that I was of age I needed to appear like a drinker of varied and sophisticated tastes. After parousing a section of micro-brews I grabbed a 12 pack of Natural Light and headed for a check out lane. I approached the three or four open lanes carefully weighing my options in terms of cashier. Who looks like a sucker I thought to myself. I came upon a young African-American girl no older than 17.

"They got you working the graveyard shift?" I said, breaking the ice with a conversational joke.
"...I guess" She replied

I tossed the 12 pack onto the conveyor, it slowly carried the beer to the cashier. She grabbed it and passed it over the scanner. The beep from the scanner was quickly followed by a pop up on the screen. It read Check ID. For a second my eyes let down their guard. The lie flashed across them. Quickly though I recovered. My gaze was now hard and again full of confidence. In my stomach however I could still feel the anxiety. The guilt and fear brewed in my belly as the girl asked

"Can I see your ID?"

Coolly I reached for my back pocket. I made a noise as if to sound annoyed, giving the impression that I hadn't been carded in ages. The ploy was genius, it had just come to me. I handed her the ID. As she scanned it I tried to remain steady. I looked down at my watch attempting to further the illusion of annoyance. I looked back up. She was staring directly into my eyes. She was trying to read me. Dammnit I thought to myself. Should I have worn sunglasses? But her eyes had left me as quickly as they came. She punched in the phony birth date and returned the ID. Bingo, I'd done it again. Played another fool. I'll have to remember her for the summer I thought. I looked down at her name tag. It read Tareesha.

"Don't get stuck here too late" I said jovially, continuing the joke from before. Consistency is the key, never break character.
"Mmhm" she retorted, sold that I was 23.

I walked out brimming with confidence and half an erection. I had just committed the perfect crime. But I wanted more.

As I drove out to the house where all my friends were gathered the only thing on my mind was the illegal purchase I had just made. I felt like I was part of drug cartel. I went over the transaction again in my mind, replaying every second of it. Flawless, I thought as I chuckled to myself.

I arrived at the house and walked around back, entering into the screen porch. I was greeted by friends and then sat down and began to drink. The night passed by full of conversation and entertainment. I slowly sipped my Natural Light while enjoying the company. At a point in the night my friend, who for the purpose of the story I will call Sully, began to tell a story about how a group of girls we knew had TP'd his house several years ago. Along with toilet paper these girls also left tampons covered in ketchup on Sully's doorstep. We all laughed as the story was quite amusing. Then Sully came to the part of the story involving me. After these girls had TP'd Sully's house I took it upon myself to exact revenge. Myself and another friend (who was also friends with Sully at the time) called the high school these girls attended. I did the talking. I dialed the principal's voicemail and left a message. The message was as follows

"This is officer Dan Moss with the University City Police Department, I'm calling to report an act of vandalism by three girls who attend your school. Their names are **** *******, ******* *******, and ****** ********. The girls threw toilet paper in the trees and on the house at the address of **** Cornell Avenue in University City. Normally an act like this wouldn't be reported but the graphic sexual nature of the vandalism, I believe, requires attention not only from our department but from the girls' school as well. The girls left several tampons covered in ketchup on the front doorstep of the residence. Clearly this was meant to graphically demonstrate menstrual waste. I'm hoping that perhaps the school could discipline these girls so that we do not have to. Again this is officer Dan Moss with the U. City police department. Thanks. Bye."

That Monday the girls were called down to the office of their high school and were played the voicemail. They incorrectly identified the voice as Sully's and told their principal which school he went to. Sully's principal was then informed and Sully, along with several of his classmates, was called down to his principal's office. They then gave that principal my name. However I too attended a different high school and their principal didn't feel that it was his responsibility to further the investigation. I had impersonated a police officer and gotten away with it. I was only 15 at the time. I had no humble entrance into the criminal underworld.

The memory of this coupled with my brilliant play for alcohol earlier in the night only further fueled my lust for crime. I left the house around 1:30 AM and headed home. There were still six beers left in my 12 pack. I'll keep them for tomorrow I thought. The whole way home I kept my eye out for the law. I wasn't drunk but I was under 21 with 6 beers in my car and 6 beers in my blood. That was trouble I didn't need or want. I made it home at about 2 AM. I plopped down in front of the television with a plate full of pizza rolls ready to call it I night. Although the pizza rolls were satisfying my hunger for food the hunger for crime and excitement was still very much present inside me. There was nothing I could do about it though.
I was about to head up for bed when my phone began to vibrate. It was 2:30 AM, Sully was calling.

"What's up?" I said answering his call.
"Dude what are you doing?" Sully said, his speech slightly slurred.
"About to go to bed."
"Remember how we were talking about how the girls TP'd my house?" asked Sully.

How could I forget, I thought. My craving for crime began to rise.

"Dude lets get them back. Lets TP their houses tonight. Do you have any toilet paper?" Sully sounded excited.
"I don't think there's much at my house right now." I said.
"Oh, well do you want to TP them?" Sully asked me.
"I'm in. Whose driving?" I said coolly.
"JZ, he'll be at my house in like ten minutes"
"Good, I'll bring my beer, call me when you get here." I responded.

This was it. A chance to appease my criminal desires. Twenty minutes later JZ and Sully were at my house. I came outside with the half full 12 pack of Natural Light and got into the car.

"Let's go to Walgreens." I said "We can get toliet paper there."

As we drove to the Walgreens we each cracked open a beer. We knew tonight would be a night to remember. We all wondered what it would be like for those girls and their families to wake up the next morning and see their front yards blanked in TP. Sully claimed he was going to pee on their door knobs. JZ and I laughed. Although light hearted I was focused. Ready to commit yet another brilliant crime and again get away with it. As we pulled up to Walgreens I finished my beer. I reached into the 12 pack, cracked open another and got out of the car.

"What are you doing man?" JZ asked bewildered.
"It's fine" I said, then I turned and walked into Walgreens. JZ and Sully followed.

I didn't care. Drinking a beer in Walgreens was small potatoes to me. I was about to TP houses, no late night Walgreens employee was going to get in the way of that. I felt hard, I felt dangerous and slick. I was Butch Cassidy, I was Clyde, I was Smoky AND the Bandit. Nothing could stop me. As I walked in the cashier looked at me. I glared back taking a drink from my beer. We quickly headed over to the aisle containing toiletries and gathered as much toilet paper as we thought we needed. The three of us went up to the counter, paid, and exited the store. We got back in the car and went on our way.

The drive from the Walgreens to the houses was about ten minutes. Two of the three girls lived on the same block. The other lived a few blocks over. We decided that just getting the two girls was good enough. We went over the plan. Hit the first house fast and quiet, then proceed to house number two maintaining tempo and stealth. We wanted the whole job to take no more than 20 minutes. JZ pulled onto the girls' street, we were silent. The car stopped in front of the first house. We all looked at each other, nodded, and then exited the car. Each of us carried at least four rolls onto the lawn and we began tossing. We aimed high up into the trees. Sully was finished first. After he was out of rolls he went back to the car. I finished next, and then JZ. One house down. We had done a good job. We got back in the car, our hearts were racing.

We were relieved though that no one had heard or seen us. Our tensions eased a bit as we headed to the second house. We had more fun with this one. We again took about four rolls each and proceeded to hit the trees and bushes. Sully went up to the front door, unzipped his fly and began to urinate all over the doorknob. JZ and I meanwhile continued to TP. After Sully was done with the door he took a rolled up newspaper out of its wrapping and tossed it all over the front lawn. We laughed. I felt invincible. Nothing could stop me. The world was mine for the taking. I was about to get away with another crime.

We finished with the house and headed back to the car. We all were drinking a beer and laughing quietly about the thorough TP'ing we had just given the two houses, especially the second house. When we got back to the car we noticed a good amount of toilet paper left over. It seemed we had bought too much. High on two heady brews, Natural Light and danger, we decided that it would be funny to TP our friend who just so happened to live across the street from this girl. We took the rest of the toilet paper and headed for his lawn. Our guards were down. We thought we were in the clear. We haphazardly tossed toilet paper all over his family's trees and lawn. Another job well done. Sully and I were out of toilet paper and headed back to the car. JZ was still working on a specific project he was attempting with a roll. As Sully and I crossed the street back to the car a bright light shined upon us.

"Oh fuck it's the cops" Sully said frightened.
"Dude, not funny." I replied, so sure of my criminal ability that I thought what Sully said had to be a joke. Unfortunately it was not. Sully took off running, I turned, saw the police car, and followed him. We hid behind JZ's car, but it was to no avail. The officer had seen us. JZ was still on the lawn. I sat behind the car, my heart frozen and my brain working a mile a minute. How am I gonna get out of this! I thought frantically. I knew the neighborhood well, I began to plan my escape route. As I tried to figure a way out of there I heard voices.

"Come here now."

It was the police officer. Yeah right, I thought, Not today copper.

"I'm coming." It was JZ's voice. The cop had spotted him on the lawn. He was now walking over to the police car which was only feet from us.
"Turn and put your hands against the car." The cop ordered JZ.
"Okay, we know these people, they're our friends. Just knock on the door and ask them. They know us." JZ pleaded.
"Tell your friends to come out." The cop said, unconcerned with what JZ had to say.
"Guys, come out here." JZ said to us.

No way, I thought. There was no way I was getting caught. Not me. I was a brilliant criminal.

"Let's go dude." Sully whispered to me. I then took full stock of the situation. There was no way I'd be able to run. The cop was young and in shape. I was a smoker wearing Birkenstocks. I cursed myself for the poor footwear decision. As a criminal, I knew better. Sully and I walked out from behind the car.

"Come over here and put your hands on the car." The cop ordered. We complied.
"We know these people, it's no big deal. We'll clean it up right now." Sully said to the cop.
"Put your hands on the car I don't want to hear it." The cop said firmly.

We put our hands on the car. The cop asked us if we had been drinking. Being that we were all under age we said no. The cop then searched our pockets. He found eight Bud Light caps in Sully's pocket. He had been collecting the caps that night to keep track of how much he drank. Our lie was exposed. We then all admitted to drinking a little. I claimed that the caps were all three of ours collectively. Although caught my criminal mind was still at work. I knew by admitting to part of the truth we would seem more believable. And admitting that the caps were all of ours it gave the cop a firm number of how much we drank. No one of us could have had more than three beers. A small amount to drink for anyone our age. I was astonished at myself. You're gonna get out of this you sly Fox, I thought.

Then the cop cuffed us. It was my first time in handcuffs. Being cuffed is an experience every criminal has at least once. I viewed it as my rite of passage. However I was still unnerved. The icy grip of the handcuffs sent chills straight to my soul. As we all stood there silently, cursing ourselves for getting greedy and going after a third house we heard the cop call for back up. Minutes later another police car showed up. Then another. Then another. The final count was seven police cars and ten cops. Apparently this was the crime of the night. Of course I expected this. I knew that if I was ever caught it would be for something big, like this. The large deployment of the police force made sense to me. Congrats boys you got me, I thought, enjoy it now because it's the last time.

The officer that arrested us was now speaking to several of his cohorts. They all mocked us and joked around with each other. They knew the victory they had won. They checked JZ's car and found two more beers out of my 12 pack. Now they came back over and again asked us how much we had been drinking. We said nothing. Then another police car pulled up and an older officer exited the car. He walked straight for us. As he approached the cop who initially caught us asked him what he was to do with us. The older officer looked from him to us.

"You guys are fucked. Book 'em." He said to the cop while staring at us.

And that was it. There was no getting out of this now. I was headed to the big house. They were gonna throw the book at us.

By the time we arrived at the police station it was 3:30 AM. They put us in holding cells and took down our information. They confiscated our wallets, shoes, and cell phones. One cop with a rat face interrogated JZ and Sully. Another cop, a kindly black lady, interrogated me. While Ratty played good cop bad cop with my friends Officer Jemima took a different approach with me. She calmly asked me questions and I calmly responded. She then began to look through my wallet. At first I thought nothing of it but then panic spread over me. My brand new fake ID was in there. She was sure to find it, she was tearing through every inch of the wallet. After a few seconds she pulled it out. She looked it over and said

"This isn't you."

I tightened up inside. Should I lie? I thought. No, you're caught already just give it up and hope they'll go easy on you. My conscience had caught up with me NO! LIE! Lie until you can't lie anymore! Roared back the criminal half of my brain.

"No it's not." I said, desperately trying to think of what to say next. "That...is my friend. I took that from him as a joke.......he'll be pissed if I don't give that back to him."

I was trying to keep as quiet as possible. I didn't want Ratty or any of the other cops to hear our conversation. I knew my criminal charm would work on this cop but the others were sure to see through my act. It worked. Officer Jemima believed me and put the ID back in my wallet. A small victory I thought. Even though I had been caught, I took solace at the fact that my fake ID would make it out of this police station.

After general interrogation each of us were taken off into another room alone for a one on one session. At this point I had nothing to lose. I decided I was going to come clean. I had already tried to call my friends to see if one of them could bail me out but none answered. I was forced to call my parents. They knew I was in jail. They were pissed. From here on out my only goal was to get out of the joint before the night was over. When the cop asked me whose beer was in the car I said it was mine. There is a saying, "no honor amongst thieves", well this criminal wasn't going to let his friends go down for his crime. Incidentally they did anyway. I told the cop the whole story. I was then sent back to my holding cell.

Back in the holding cell JZ, Sully, and I now had company. The police force had rounded up their nightly quota of crack addicts, some of whom they were on a first name basis with, one of them was now sharing a 4x4x8 cell with me. He was a white, thirty something portly fellow with a beard. His breath was awful. He spoke of random, insane things. A petty criminal, I was disgusted by him. He ranted for what seemed like hours but was probably only 30 minutes. He ranted about blacks, how he hated blacks, how whites shouldn't have freed blacks, and about how blacks were monkey like. One rather large muscular black officer took offense to this and while the crack head's fingers were through the bars he beat them with his night stick. The crack head recoiled, teary eyed, fingers bloodied.

Earlier, while we were making our phone calls, JZ had gotten a hold of his boss. Now his boss was here to bail him out and take him home. JZ wouldn't have to tell his parents until the morning. Lucky him. Sully and I weren't so lucky. After JZ left myself and Sully were taken downstairs to the more permanent cells. There were two bunks, the lower of the two was occupied by another crack head who was fast asleep. Frightened of the crack head Sully and I only spoke in whispers. We were tired. It was 4 AM and any buzz we had was long gone by now. Thirty minutes passed and we had stopped speaking, only wanting to sleep. We were sure however that our parents would be there soon to pay our bail and even though we were in a world of trouble we were looking forward to going home. Soon Sully's father came. He paid Sully's bail and Sully was free to go. I however was still stuck there, no end in sight. I soon realized I'd be sleeping the night in jail.

I climbed up to the top bunk, my eyes heavy. As they began to close I recollected about the day that had passed. My life as a criminal had come full circle. I realized that no one could run from the law forever. It was my time to get caught. Now I was paying the price. I fell asleep, dreams of a happier place danced through my head.

Those dreams were suddenly and violently jarred from my mind as I awoke to screaming an hour later. I looked over to the cell next to mine. Several police officers were outside the cell door, night sticks drawn, one fumbling with the keys trying to open the door. They were yelling into the cell, presumably at one of the inmates. What could it be, I thought, A gang fight? Although a hardened criminal I wanted no part of gangs or gang violence. I was an upper class criminal, not a thug. I looked over into the cell and my eyes fixed upon the target of the cops' screams. In there the portly racist crack head with whom I had previously been cell mates was hanging from the top bar of the cell, a ripped T-shirt around his neck. He was trying to hang himself with his own T-shirt. I hate this place, I thought. I turned my head and went back to sleep. At this point I had seen it all, nothing could phase me anymore. I was hard. I was a criminal.