Tales from Hollister

Basically my typical shift at Hollister consists of the following:

• I arrive to work ten minutes late
• A manager half heartedly tells me to show up on time
  
• I am then assigned to some sort of job, something along the lines of "Go there, fold this, look hot"
• I go there, avoid folding if at all possible, and look hot
• I then stand for 2-2.5 hours straight
• I go on my 15 minute break for 30 minutes
• I come back
• I again stand, possibly folding, and looking hot for 2-2.5 hours
• I leave as soon as my shift ends

Sprinkled in that list of labors may be other activities such as saying a tagline (e.g. "What's Up?"..."Have you checked out SoCal, our new fragrance?"...."We've got spring break covered so make sure you check out our boardshorts!")

If I'm lucky I'm on the cash register or fitting rooms, which means I'm close enough to the Hollister playlist to select my favorite songs. And also more likely to have someone to talk to. If I'm unlucky I'm in Betty's 1 (the front room of the store), saying the aforementioned tag lines all by myself while customers awkwardly look at me and walk by.

Generally, I'm in Betty's 1, getting awkward looks. When you say one of those tag lines, people tend to think you're retarded. They overlook the fact that I'm at work, and am being forced to say those things. Somehow they think I'm just being conversational or something. Regardless, they are pretty stupid and the awkward looks are more of a reflex than a thought out reaction. The Aborigines of Australia believe when someone takes your picture, a little bit of your soul stays in that picture. That is probably not true. However, whenever I say a Hollister tag line, I can definitely feel myself losing a little bit of my soul.

Anyway despite the fact that I know these tag lines suck to say and are lame as shit, I still get a little pissed when customers laugh at me or look at me like I'm stupid. Because like I said before, I don't really have a choice in the matter, I have to say them. Like 99% of the time I can't do anything about it. But every once in a while, you're able to fuck with a customer pretty good at Hollister. The two easiest targets are women and emo kids.

For me the women are simple. If they happened to have chuckled at me or given me a dirty look after I say a tag line, and then ask me where some item of clothing is, I have my own personal tagline.

Woman: Can you help me find this sweater?
Me: In a large?

It isn't much, but I'm pretty sure that sticks with them. How could it not? Some apathetic stranger just assumes you wear large. That's gotta hurt. Even if they do wear a large it can't be comforting for them to find out that the whole world can tell. And the best part is Hollister's sizes are in no way concurrent with normal human being clothing sizes. We sell baby clothes (I weigh 170 and often am forced to buy XL at Hollister). So when that woman goes into the dressing room to try on whatever she's trying on it's gonna feel a little tighter than it should. BAM! That'll teach you bitch. Don't scoff at me the next time I'm filling you in on Cali style.

The emo kids are far rarer, and thus, far more awesome to fuck with. Emo kids will look at you like you're an asshole regardless of what you're doing. You could be pulling an emo kid from a burning building and he'd roll his eyes. But you know when that look changes? When they very politely and very discreetly ask you one of the following questions:

Question 1:"Do you have any jeans skinnier than this?"
Question 2:"Can guys purchase girls jeans?"

My answers vary accordingly

Answer 1: (Loudly) "You can try the girls jeans, girls jeans are over there. Go ahead and take those girls jeans to the fitting room and try them on, see if they work for ya."
Answer 2: (Loudly, into walkie talkie) "What's the store policy on guys purchasing girls jeans? I have a guy with me that wants to buy girls jeans for himself."

Perhaps the best conversation I ever heard between an emo kid and a Hollister worker was between some random emo kid and my manager. He asked if Hollister had any skinnier guy's jeans than the ones that were out on the floor. The manager said no and in all seriousness suggested that the guy try on a pair of girls jeans. To which the kid responded, slightly embarrassed:

Emo Kid: "My mom said she won't pay for it if I get girls jeans"

Awesome. And kudos to the mom for trying to stop her son from participating in the most annoying and gayest aspect of the emo lifestyle.

On a side note, I have no idea why those emo kids wear girls jeans. It is not comfortable. I squeezed into a pair of my girlfriend's jeans once for a Halloween costume (my costume was an emo kid ironically) and FYI, girls jeans are girls jeans. There is not any allotted space for male genitalia. You're stuff just gets shoved off to the side under the pocket where it's stabbed by car keys and smothered by a cell phone.

Anyway, that's about all the fun one gets to have with customers at Hollister, which sucks because they definitely deserve to be fucked with more than that. See customers have the same lack of respect for a retail personnel's intelligence that they do for a restaurant worker's but without the empathy that one might have for a waiter or waitress. My guess is, at least at Hollister, they're jealous of our hotness.